Most people know someone who has cancer, some people have cancer; but, you never get the full impact of how that actually feels until you hear the doctor says you have cancer. I was just diagnosed with cancer in April. Prior to that I was on the mend.
I have been overweight all my life. It got to a point that I was so fed-up with diets that I just stopped going on them. I got bigger and bigger and my health began to fail. It got to the point that I could no longer work and I had to come to the stark realization that money would be scarce from that point forward. This was back in 2005.
I struggled many years with no money and it was terrible. Of course I write, but I had to write so much as a freelance writer that I went through burnout three times. Meanwhile, I got fatter and fatter. My health deteriorated, my liver was damaged, my kidneys started to get damaged and still I ate and ate and ate. I had uncontrolled diabetes and my blood sugar shot through the roof. I could hardly move let alone walk. My doctor had suggested weight lost surgery but I was afraid of it.
As my health got worse I finally made the decision that I needed to have the surgery because I would never lose all the weight on my own. I had the surgery, I lost 113 pounds to date. My liver doctor was so happy he said to me, “You know you were five minutes away from midnight.”
I was starting to feel good about myself as I began to see the changes in me. I was taking exercises classes and all was going well.
Then one day I went to clinic for a routine pap test and the nurse found I had blood inside me. She thought it might have been coming from my cervix and ordered tests. Two days later I had a full fledged period and I am post menopausal. I was afraid. I called her and I had a biopsy which revealed I have uterine cancer. In my heart I had sensed it was cancer even before I was told.
Presently, I am living in a world of uncertainty right now. I had my pre-ops and I am waiting for them to tell me when the surgery will be. I will have a hysterectomy.
The thing is no one can fully understand what someone is going through when they have cancer unless they get it themselves. It is easy to say oh you will pull through don’t worry it is an easy operation. But it is not as simple as that.
The person who is afflicted with cancer is faced with knowing his or her body has been taken over by the cancer. They know they are walking around with it inside of them, eating away at them.
We wonder about the future. Will the operation get all the cancer?
We wonder if the cancer has spread and invaded other parts of our body. My doctor says he cannot answer that until he opens me up. So the fear is there until I find out for sure. Of course I wonder even if the cancer is taken care of will it come back.
It has been since April that I have known about my cancer, I am getting to understand it better, but of course it was not always that way. In the beginning no amount of reassurance could convince me that I was not about to die. My mind knew logically it was too soon to think about that; my heart had a different story to tell.
I am not one to cry and I was shocked when out of the blue I just broke down and started to cry in church. Although there were people there to comfort me I was embarrassed I did not want to make a public spectacle of myself like I did.
I don’t cry anymore, but I have to talk about it. I am surprised I was not able to write about it until today because I write about my entire life. The cancer I avoided. So today is the day I am writing about it. This is a first article about my cancer and also the first article I am writing on this site. My life will continue to be in limbo until after the operation and I find out the extent of my cancer; but, until then I just have to wait and hope for the best.